Hello my Little-forgotten-online-trash-bin… Did you miss me? Because I just realized that I missed you tremendously. But I needed to stop writing until I had something to say again.
The year is 2017 and the time is late. Technically late but to me it feels just on time. It’s that time when I start to see myself again and understand my world. My new world. After so many years of changes, struggles, fights, victories and failures, I’m here. Very much the same person but with so much more behind me and so much more in my heart and mind. I feel richer than ever and I know why – because I live a life! The life that I was brave enough to go for and to fight for! It has never been harder but it is also intensive, messy, confusing, interesting, funny and hilarious. Life that I could never wish to replace for anything safer, easier or better (more appropriate in somebody else’s eyes).
America. My Wonderland. I love it. It has given me so much – the bless and the curse. I have never been more challenged, more frustrated, more forced to be patient.. more desired, more loved.. and more alive. It’s the place I feel I was always reaching to. Like it was all built in a way to get me prepared to be here, to survive here and to learn from it. It feels like discovering my actual home, or maybe my alternative universe? The life that I could have? It’s hard to put it all in words.
And all of this doesn’t even necessary mean that I will stay forever. It only means that it was meant to be. My life could have never been fulfilled if I have never experienced this place. It showed me who I am and what costs I am really willing to pay. Not what I think or wish I am or I am ready to do, but the real me. It’s amazing and priceless. It’s tough and depressive. Because sometimes it hurts to see the part of you that you are not ready to know. It hurts to disappoint yourself by not being willing to get something done at any costs. But it’s also rewarding because it makes you see your limits and it teaches you to appreciate yourself for who you are and accept yourself regardless of who you are not.
My Wonderland. My most expensive teacher.
America, I love you but I might leave you anyway. Not every love is meant to last forever. It’s me who matters. Me and what I do for the world and people around me. The destination gives and takes; shapes you; improves you. But it doesn’t determine your path. Because we are given two legs for a reason. To keep moving. To keep going. To keep pursuing.
Welcome back, Me, to the inner peace and self-awareness.