Category Archives: Писаници

The Big Arrival

It’s 4:59am in Groningen (time zone UTC +1) and I am fully awake due to my jet lag caused by crossing the ocean two days ago. It’s been a little over 48 hours since I’m here.. and I have to (gratefully) say that I already feel better. It was a bit of a trainwreck to me to prepare for leaving and actually do it.. That moment when I crossed all the security checks and all the doors were behind me was a little crash for me. I had a second (or maybe a few) of a doubt. I saw the exit from the airport and right on the background of that door (big glass windows) it was the airplane – the next chapter. It might seem like an obvious decision to someone (however different people will have different definite choice here) but it was a very difficult dilemma for me. And I’m proud of myself that I made it and I came here. One of the hardest things to do so far and all in the name of „having purpose in life“. The Idealist in me is excited and the Realistic me is terrified. The good news? I have awesome friends to support me!

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And time to celebrate the little light in the dark .. with a big glass of lactose free milk! 🙂

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Welcome back to the new world.

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Here I am, two years later.

Hello my Little-forgotten-online-trash-bin… Did you miss me? Because I just realized that I missed you tremendously. But I needed to stop writing until I had something to say again.

The year is 2017 and the time is late. Technically late but to me it feels just on time. It’s that time when I start to see myself again and understand my world. My new world. After so many years of changes, struggles, fights, victories and failures, I’m here. Very much the same person but with so much more behind me and so much more in my heart and mind. I feel richer than ever and I know why – because I live a life! The life that I was brave enough to go for and to fight for! It has never been harder but it is also intensive, messy, confusing, interesting, funny and hilarious. Life that I could never wish to replace for anything safer, easier or better (more appropriate in somebody else’s eyes).

America. My Wonderland. I love it. It has given me so much – the bless and the curse. I have never been more challenged, more frustrated, more forced to be patient.. more desired, more loved.. and more alive. It’s the place I feel I was always reaching to. Like it was all built in a way to get me prepared to be here, to survive here and to learn from it. It feels like discovering my actual home, or maybe my alternative universe? The life that I could have? It’s hard to put it all in words.

And all of this doesn’t even necessary mean that I will stay forever. It only means that it was meant to be. My life could have never been fulfilled if I have never experienced this place. It showed me who I am and what costs I am really willing to pay. Not what I think or wish I am or I am ready to do, but the real me. It’s amazing and priceless. It’s tough and depressive. Because sometimes it hurts to see the part of you that you are not ready to know. It hurts to disappoint yourself by not being willing to get something done at any costs. But it’s also rewarding because it makes you see your limits and it teaches you to appreciate yourself for who you are and accept yourself regardless of who you are not.

My Wonderland. My most expensive teacher.

America, I love you but I might leave you anyway. Not every love is meant to last forever. It’s me who matters. Me and what I do for the world and people around me. The destination gives and takes; shapes you; improves you. But it doesn’t determine your path. Because we are given two legs for a reason. To keep moving. To keep going. To keep pursuing.

Welcome back, Me, to the inner peace and self-awareness.


Too much

„Но смело мога да ти обещая – каквото и да стане, няма да си замина. Напук на всичките ти теории. Напук на самия Дявол и насамата теб ако трябва ще остана.“

I don’t think I’ve ever had anything closer to my Bible than this. And I don’t think I’ll ever have a new one. Sometimes.. it is just too much.


20.2015 = 25 and the sun eclipse

За първи път ще публикувам нещо на рождения си ден (в оставащите 10 минути от него, така че няма да бъде дълго. ще бъде съществено).

Днес беше чудесен ден – от самото си начало. В 23:50 на 19ти реших, че искам да изляза да се поразходя и този път (както почти никога), наистина го направих. Спомних си за времето, когато бях малка и мечтаех да мога да излизам вечер, когато си поискам, без да ме спират родителските забрани. Стоях на терасата си, гледах улицата долу, в ляво от блока, с уличните светлини и си мислех колко невероятно тихо и прохладно е (случваше се предимно лятно време). И как един ден ще порасна голяма и ще мога да излизам на нощни разходки винаги, когато ми дотегне вкъщи. После пораснах и обикновено никога не се решавах да последам този си порив. До снощи : ) Реших, че трябва да си напрая подарък за рождения ден. И беше една наистина добра разходка. Бохум не е нищо особено, но и не е нищо лошо. В пъти по-добре от повечето места, на които съм живяла. В пъти по-безопасен..

Освен всичко останало, беше много вкусен ден (food is essential!)

А диалогът на деня:

  • То отиде
  • Мина рдто
  • Хаха
  • Мне
  • Радвам се че си получила приятни емоции
  • имам още 12 мин!
  • аз живея в друго време!! : ))

 


mammy

„… separated rhesus monkeys from their mothers at an early age and placed them with artificial surrogate mothers. One surrogate was made of wire; the others was covered with terry cloth and possessed a more rhesus-looking face. Both „mothers“ could be equipped with baby bottles placed through a hole in the chest, which allowed the baby monkeys to nurse. Regardless of which mother provided food, the baby monkeys spent as much time as possible cuddling and hugging the cloth mother. Even rhesus monkeys fed by only the wire mother formed strong attachments to the cloth mother and spent most of their time hugging it. A simple peace of soft cloth did not have the same effect; to function as a surrogate, the cloth had to be roughly shaped like a real mother.“

(Harlow and Zimmerman, 1959)

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However, it is cruel to me what they have done to those baby monkeys, I still cannot stop thinking about the idea.. The society teaches us that we have to love our mother, because they gave us live. (Like every kind of live is worth having it, but this is another topic). And the nature shows us, that the attachment is something more than just „dependence on someone who fulfills biological needs“. Even monkeys understand that. Even though the wire mother will never agree on this, she is not a mother. She is a feeding trough.

(and the pictures of this baby monkey will never stop disturbing me)


it’s a new year

Мислех да започна текста с „от доста време насам си мисля..“ и тогава осъзнах, че това изобщо не е вярно. Отне ми точно един ден от идеята до реализацията й, а именно – да изтрия съдържанието на кошчето си. Това е един естествен процес, струва ми се. През последните три години тук съм изхвърлила толкова много гняв, разчорования, депресии, питанки, гатанки, всякакъв сорт емоции и най-вече негативните такива.. Не е ли време да почистя малко? Каквото е било, е било, и аз ни най-малко не бих искала да го изтрия буквално. Това емоционално пространство тук, обаче, се нуждае от малко свеж въздух. За нови емоции. За нови отпадъци на разпадащото ми се Аз. Или пък на излишъците, които трябва да се премахнат по пътя на изграждането му? Все още не знам.

Част от мен би искала да каже „надявам се някога да започна да пиша по-позивитни неща“, но пък друга си казва – и какво би било ако изхвърлям положителни емоции? Няма ли да е знак, че нямам с кого да ги споделя? Защото идеята на милото Кошче не е да побира думи, които нямам на кого да кажа, а такива, които по-скоро не искам  да казва на никогом. Това си е моят отпадък.

И все пак, колкото и истина да има в горепосочения аргумент, би било развитие да обърна отново писането в нещо градивно.. както някога, преди.. Но засега ще си остане едно добро пожелание, наред с променливата ми вяра, че изобщо някога, в тоя живот, ще проговоря немски : )


Пуканки

Никой за нищо не носи вина. Ние не грешим, ние сме болни. Ние сме само едни жертви – алкохолици, наркомани, сексомани… Знаете ли, че можеш да си и магазиноман? Да, да! Няма алчност, има вещомания – плод на комерсиализма. Жертви бе! Сега вече не се казва: „Еди кой си се провали“, а само отбелязваме, че е претърпял променлив успех. Ние създаваме общество от безгръбначни, самодоволни, хленчещи същества, които за всичко си имат оправдание, а не носят отговорност за нищо.

Бен Елтън